dreamcatcher20

I feel a revival in my art coming along. Photography is calling my name again and I must answer it. It's been too long since I have been actively shooting. If anyone is still here that used to follow me, get ready.

I am done with all the lies. I am done with all the pain. I am done with all the poison.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my wife. Things aren't ideal right now. I'm not making the money I should be making. We live with my parents. We fight alot over stupid things neither of us can control. I feel at my weirs end with it. She is do closed off to me that even when something nice is done for her, a minute later if something pisses her off, it doesn't matter that something nice was done for her. I am looking for a new job where I am getting paid what I should be, but there isn't much out there right now. I'm hoping things will get better.

looking back over the years, i have seen how much of me has changed. how little time i have to make for writing and venting anymore. it kinda makes me sad. writing used to be my thing, i was decent at it. i needed some much needed critiquing, suggestions, and other helpfulness of sorts. sometimes i just feel so bottled up. its like i dont let things out much anymore. i want this to change because i know what it can do to me and my mood.

"i felt your pain hidden in the vengeance plans to gentlemans wallet. they don't care like we do, do they? most men...hell all men...they start this 'change for a younger model' or whatever. i am sure men simply cannot actually love. just lust, and that only for a short time. you will find your son will be in pain for his father. and dad just won't care. peculiar, isn't it?"-gerrynan2-


This is a quote on my ex's poem. it is about me. here are my thoughts on this:

men are capable of love. yes there are a lot of shitty men out there that do play games with girls hearts. i am not this kind of guy. in this relationship, i was the one played. you dont know the whole story. you dont know why i left. the void left in me from my choice, you wouldnt understand it. i loved lauren, elaine, more than you could understand. this is something that isnt going to pass easily. there is no way you could understand my position on everything unless you asked me about it.

to think that all men are incapable of love is just a twisted perception, probably brought on from being with stupid dumb fucks that really dont care. love is a powerful emotion that not everyone can understand. love is faithfulness, trust, great joy. but love is also pain, agony, and suffering. the love i felt for her was deeper than i had ever felt. the pain i felt from what she did was too much to bear. i could never trust her again. there are always two sides to the story. i will tell you my side straight, her side is twisted so far out of perception that she believes that her reasons for my leaving are true. i left because i cant be with someone that i have to worry about sleeping with everyone behind my back then coming back to me like nothing happened. people say that love conquers all. this is not true for me. love cant conquer all. when something is so twisted and fucked sometimes that love may with stand, but that trust, the glue to a relationship, errodes. it will start to turn into a festering wound that will only get worse as time goes on. Somethings are truely just unforgiveable, at the very least unforgettable. now you have a slight understanding. dont judge me before before talking to me.